The Verdict...

Re-posted from Glow in the Woods:

 In the state of Maryland, whenever a child dies there is an investigation and an autopsy to determine the cause of death. 

Today, two months, two weeks and three days after his death, the medical examiner notified my investigator that the cause of death for my beautiful and perfect baby Rhys was Sudden Unexpected Death in Infancy (SUDI). My son was just that... beautiful and perfect. There is no medical explanation for his death. He did not have any undocumented defect or any chromosomal abnormality that contributed to him not being in my arms tonight. There was no good reason for him to die. 

Tragically, this explanation leaves me feeling guilty. If it was not nature, not something wrong with his amazing, tiny little body... then what did I do wrong? I checked on him. 45 minutes before I found his lifeless little body I saw him breathing, I saw him whole. Now I feel like I will never be whole again... and I feel that I don't really deserve to be. I should have checked on him more. I should have woken him up. I should have... I should have done so many things. 

The crime has been committed, and now the verdict stands. I will have to live the rest of my life without him. SUDI. That is the punishment. 

Please forgive me this self abuse. I feel that I am only saying what so many of us think on a regular basis. Please forgive me this moment of weakness, of falling apart. Please take my words at face value only and know that tomorrow morning I will wake up and tell myself that it is not my fault, that no matter what this would have happened anyway... that I am not to blame. Let me have this hurt tonight, open and honest and pure. 

Thank you for listening and understanding my pain. My heart goes out to all of you, all of us. Thank you.