A quick blah-blah

I have overcompensated for my grief this year in purchases. I bought my kids WAY more presents than I should have, and also overspent on extended family. I just want to GIVE to everyone. I want to give love and happiness and joy, simple pleasure, anything... any tiny positive thing that I possibly can to as many people as humanly possible. I want give all my love to all the people out there. 

Things that wont bring Rhys back include: over eating, over spending, drinking too much, and anything.

So I guess it'll come down to a New Year's resolution. I will limit my bad grief habits. I will allow myself the occasional grief indulgence in order to prevent me from falling into a pit of sadness that I cannot claw my way out of, but I cannot keep living like this. I have already taken steps to improve my diet, and have cut way back on drinking (part of improving my diet) and I will put a serious reign on my budget. 

Auld Lang Syne and all that, you know. 

My children are grieving. Sometimes I forget that they miss him, too. Samantha asked when we would see baby Rhys, and I had to tell her, again, that we won't see him again. That we have the love in our heart for him, but he is gone, and we have to just remember him. Rowan heard this, and my poor heart broke when he started to cry. The three of us sat on the sofa and looked through the Rhys album we created for his memorial. The kids enjoyed pointing everyone out, "Look, mama, its Sami, and Roro, and Auntie, and Mercy, and Baby Rhys! Baby Rhys is so cute." 

He was a damn cute baby. I have to remember him in my heart and try and be happy... happy that I had time with him, that we shared the brief and magical bond of mother and son. I should be happy that I have known his weight in my arms and I have felt what it is to love him. 

So in case this is all I get in before 1 Jan. my heart is with everyone in this season of giving, thank you for thinking of me as well. Here is to a New Year, with all the pomp and circumstance. 

Much love.