All day my thoughts were heavy with longing for the 15 lbs of happy infant that should have been in my arms. I should have been sitting back on the sofa, watching his little baby senses take in the whole scene: bright paper, lights, squeals of delight. He would have been handed a piece of red and silver ribbon, which he would clutch in his chubby baby fist and wave around with little coordination. He would give us that big, gummy baby smile.
Happy memory:
Rhys was in my arms, and as usual we were just enjoying each others presence. I was talking at his cute little face, and touching his soft little cheeks. All of a sudden, he broke into the BIGGEST baby grin, all gums and joy. At 5 weeks and 5 days, my son gave me everything my heart could have asked for. He gave me a smile that will live in my heart forever.
Further holiday challenges included socializing with people that I didn't know. They were delightful, and thank god for everyone's favorite social lubricant. Despite these things, I still have trouble talking with new people, or people I haven't dealt with since the death of my son. I feel like my story wants to jump out of my mouth, unbidden, every time it opens.
Also, my sister-in-law, Micaela, is 7 months pregnant with a little baby boy. She got all kinds of awesome baby stuff for Christmas. She talked to me about her pregnancy.
And here was the biggest kicker of the day. After opening presents, Sami sat on her auntie Micaela's lap, and Micaela told her that there was a baby in her belly. Sami looked at her auntie and said, "Oh, my mama had a baby. He was baby Rhys, and he was so cute. Then he had to go to the doctor, and he is not coming back. He is gone now, and we miss him, and sometimes we look at pictures. There are pictures of mommy, and daddy, and Sami and Roro with baby Rhys." Micaela sat and cried, and it took everything in me to not run from the room. It is good that Sami can talk about it. I am glad she got that opportunity to share, and I am impressed with her comprehension of the situation. It still broke my heart.
All in all, it was as pleasant a holiday as one could expect, being 3 months from the death of a child. Happy Holiday's everyone. Love to all.
Hi Minna, we've crossed paths on Glow and I wanted to say hello and tell you how sorry I am about Rhys and how beautiful his smile and all pictures you've posted of him are.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that it is a tragic loss that has prompted you to write, but I wanted to say that I appreciate your blog and your reflections on Rhys' death and life after. I am navigating this territory myself after losing my daughter Chiara at 22 weeks gestation and it's a lousy road, but reading others' stories helps. I especially like hearing how your living children are responding to Rhys' loss. Our son Stellan is almost 3 and he does talk about his baby sister and how she died and what she might be doing, where she is, that we cry when we think of her. It happens regularly enough now that it doesn't take my breath away, but it is never easy. At the same time, I am glad that his brain/heart are working to incorporate the idea of his sister/her death.
I just wanted to express my condolences and my gratitude. XO
Aurelia, I am so sorry for your loss. How painful. I wish I could give you a big hug.
DeleteHaving to help a small child through the loss of a baby is such a surreal and sad thing, as if dealing with your own grief weren't enough.
Thank you for sharing such a special part of your life with me and being willing to share in mine. I am so sorry for your loss. Lets imagine Chiara and Rhys playing together among the stars. :)