Everything.
When I was young I fought the urge to not believe in a higher power. I tried to see God in things, to believe that he was there, that there was a bigger plan and everything happens for a reason. I don't think I need to go into the reasons with my VAST internet audience (sarcasm.) but it became clear to me that this was just not the case. There was too much bad happening to good people, and too many bad people getting away with horrible things for me to be able to say "It is all part of God's plan."
That... and the whole religion thing just didn't add up scientifically.
Well, I tried. I went to church with friends, I read the bible, I looked for meaning and His truth and all that good stuff, and then I slowly and reluctantly let it go. Never in my adult life have I been so glad. It breaks my heart to see other moms, other parents of lost babies, seeking a meaning... asking all the questions that are there to be asked, searching their hearts and minds for a reason that their baby died.
My baby died. He just did. Bad things happen to good people, not everything has a reason, a meaning, a justification. Of course I find myself asking "Why?" but it is an empty word, a meaningless expression of hopelessness, loss, and sadness. It is like asking "Why does the universe even exists."
Religion gives people a lot of nice answers, ready packaged with a nice bow. "It's all part of the plan." Why would any plan include the death of a tiny, completely innocent baby? To strengthen me? To test me? Well I have one thing to say to that. Fuck you.
Pardon me. I know that could be taken as offensive. I do appreciate that people find comfort in their religion, in their faith, but I am finding comfort in my lack of such. I find comfort in the fact that things just happen, that there is no purpose, no way to explain away my sons life, to give meaning and purpose to his death. There is no way to justify the loss. I think if I had to seek out these things, meaning, purpose, justification... then I would be left not only feeling devastated but also more confused and more abandoned, lost. What God would let someone feel this pain?
That being said, I do hope that those moms and dads, those aunts, uncles and grandparents out there who need their God find comfort in the communities they have, the beliefes they hold, and I hope, and hope to the bottom of my existance, that they are finding comfort and getting the answers they need.
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| Snagged from here. |
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