40 Days

Triggers in the last 24 hours:
Folding up the last few bits of baby clothes left over.
Watching a snake die on tv.
Tucking in the kids.
Seeing the woman that taught me infant CPR.
A man in the gym asking another man about his new baby.
Being in the car.
A show on tv reminding me that 50 days is not a long time... and knowing that Rhys was alive for less time than that.

Toady was Todd's birthday. He is 32. I wish we felt like celebrating. I wish I could give him piles of presents and cake and everything he could ever want, but more than anything, I wish I could give him back his son.

We have been ok today, for the most part. I see his sadness, and I have tried to keep positive, but I don't think we can shake this dark cloud. I think that's ok though, part of the new "normal" for a while. Will it fade? Will there be a day when the fact that my child died isn't a half second from the forefront of all my thoughts?

A week after Rhys died I went with Paige and Jessica (my sisters) and we got our hair cut. I told the lady that I was cutting my hair as a sign of my grief, and she was very accepting and understanding. I told her "Short. Make it short." She cut off most of my hair, and I had a very cute shaggy cut. It was playful and adorable and it looked so fun. I liked it, but it wasn't enough. She kept trimming and trimming and finally said, "Honey, do you want a buzz cut?" Yes. That is what I did. I did it because I needed to see something that would shock me out of the deep, all encompassing grief that overwhelmed me every time I looked in the mirror and saw the woman that I was. It worked! Amazingly, it worked. When I next looked in the mirror I didn't immediately see me, but I also didn't see the mother to a dead baby.

I am starting to see me now. And I am the mother of a dead baby, and I always will be. But now, when I am around people, I don't know if they are staring because they know that, or because of my crazy ass hair cut. And that is a good thing.

Todd got a lot of phone calls today. I think that was nice. I can't imagine how he must hurt today, how it must feel to be reminded that he is still alive, so close on the heels of a reminder of how fragile life is. "Congratulations. Today you have breathed air for 32 years. Your heart has beat, you have experienced joy, love, and developed as a person... for 32 years. Happy Birthday. You have had 32 years."

But our son... he had 40 days.

Todd and Rhys