Luck.

I am a very fortunate woman. I have two beautiful kids, who are happy, healthy, and full of love. I have an amazing and supportive husband who is patient and compassionate and great at making me laugh. I have a nice nuclear family. I have a job. I have a dog. I have my health. Friends. Family. Clean water. Electricity. Music. Laughter.

And still I am missing something.

I didn't know that I was so incomplete until he was born. I didn't know that he made my entire life whole, that he perfectly completed my family. I didn't know there was a big hole where the youngest brother was supposed to be. How could it be that I didn't see that emptiness until he filled it and then left it empty again?

I have been having a hard time. I get sad and just hurt and hurt. I still have break downs where I can't help but sob. Will this pain every dull?

"Most deaths due to SIDS occur between 2 and 4 months of age, and incidence increases during cold weather. African-American infants are twice as likely and Native American infants are about three times more likely to die of SIDS than Caucasian infants. More boys than girls fall victim to SIDS."                                                   -From this site.

I didn't know that being Native made it more likely for my child to die randomly in his sleep. Or being a boy. Todd said that in a book he was reading on coping with infant loss it said that once you have an infant die of SIDS you are more likely to have another one do the same.

Part of me wants to have another child. I want to give my babies a youngest sibling. I want them to have a Jessa, or a Caela, like Todd and I have. They were so good with him. And he made our family so complete. But the horror, the sadness, the pain... I couldn't endure it again. There is something in this world that says that I am more likely to have my baby die than many others... I know the chance is always there, but having an increased chance? I don't think I can take it.

Maybe some day I will feel differently.

For now I just have to remind myself that I am one lucky lady. I have two happy, healthy, beautiful children who are full of love. I have an amazing husband. I have a job. I have a dog. My health. Friends. Family.

Its a mantra.