Checking in.

I have been a bit of a ghost. I don't mean for that to be a pun or a joke, but it is kind of funny to me anyway.

I haven't written in a long time. I had plans to write a really awesome post about my trip back home. Being with my family in Oregon was more healing to my heart than anything has been yet. I felt surrounded by love, comfort and safety. I spoke openly about Rhys, shared pictures, and was hugged constantly.

Then I went on a cruise with my best friend in the whole wide world. We had a blast, but I felt bad. It was kind of the opposite feeling of being at home. I was away from my family, away from my kids for the first time ever. I felt bad talking about Rhys, because we were supposed to be on vacation, though I know she wouldn't have judged me for it, and was loving and comforting when I did talk about him. To be honest, I can't wait to go again, because next time, I know what I'm getting in to. Next time I will have had more time to heal. Next time it wont be my first time away from my kids.

Then shit got real at work. I have been INSANELY busy. I put in about 10 hours a day, and every weekend I am rocking study, and spending time developing new friendships with some very nice girls. (That means I have been going out and getting drunk, heh!)

So between not being able to really sort my feelings in to words, procrastinating because there was something I already wanted to say, and just being too damned busy to sit down and write, I have become a bit of a ghost. And I feel like that is what Rhys is sometimes, too. Or maybe he was just a figment of my imagination. Or maybe he was a twinkle in the sky, a star that I reached out and got to touch for just a little bit.

There have been a few days in the past few months that have hit me with crippling sadness and a depth of loss that is incomprehensible to anyone but those who have lost in the same way. There are nightmares that plague me, and daymares that pop up out of nowhere. There have also been a few days where I am nearly blissful, with just the softest edge of grief lingering at the far reaches of my being. Lets be honest, it will always be there. But mostly, I have been busy.

Today is Father's day. Todd is taking it so much better than I took Mother's day. I am glad, because the guilt, the self loathing and sadness that I couldn't contain is something I would never ever wish on him. He is such an amazing father, and my children are so lucky to have him.

I hope to come back to writing. It's not like a bunch of people read this, but it is cathartic. Thank you, friends who are reading. I know your hearts are with me, and it is much appreciated.