Exhausted

Gosh it's been a long day. Actually, a long couple of days...

Who the hell am I kidding?! It has been a long...everything it seems. Long five months.
My beautiful son is five months gone.

A guy just joined my division. Fresh to the Navy, the guy has been in less than a year! How wild is that? His wife is from Seattle. They have a baby. Six months old. He was born one day after Rhys.

I love knowing people in my division, knowing their families, being a part of their lives... but I genuinely hope I never have to see that beautiful baby boy. There is nothing more I can say, no way to soften those words, or be more or less honest. That makes me feel guilty and sad.

I am so pooped. I am bummed because on Thursday there is an awesome spin class at work, but that is the day that Todd has evening class. So today I picked up the kids and took them to the grocery store. They asked for pancakes for dinner, so that's what we'll have. They also wanted sausage. I got bacon for Todd, and fun-fetti pancake mix for the kids. We will make them together, a family thing... an attempt at least. Sometimes my patience is unreasonably short. I hope tonight is not that way. I hope that it can be a nice mom and kids night, and that my mind doesn't dwell on how it would be different with Rhys around.

It's not like his presence would have made things better in so many ways. My kids wouldn't magically behave, my house wouldn't be effortlessly cleaner... dinner wouldn't be less of an inconvenience. In fact, doesn't having a baby exacerbate all these problems?

But if he was here... I'd be damn thrilled to have those problems.