And then what will I have?
I will still have my two beautiful children, full of life and joy, new experiences, humor and love. I will still have my husband who is my rock, my light, my voice of reason. I will still have the love of family and friends who have shown that through it all they will still be here.
I have to keep reminding myself of these things, because its so easy... so easy to just look in at my ever-shattering heart and be swallowed in my grief.
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Sam and Ro started daycare. They are in a home with a nice woman who teaches them things, plays with them all day, and takes them to the gym and the park. I think that is nice. Todd is in school, learning new things and meeting new people. He has so much homework, he keeps so busy. I am wrapped up in my duties at work, trying to eat healthy and get to the gym. Life is so busy. I guess this is "moving on." I still feel stuck in my sadness. Every day I take my 75mg of Zoloft, dedicate myself to what needs to be done in the moment, and live. I breath and I feel and I respond. I try to be thoughtful of my feelings, and especially of those of others. I hurt. God, how I hurt.
I just want my little baby back. I want to hold him in my arms, and nuzzle is fuzzy little head with my nose and mouth. I want to see his big, beautiful eyes looking up at me.
Sometimes I think I am beyond all the whys, all the hows... but they always pull me back.
Grief is cyclical they say. It will come in waves. I must be on a high wave.
I guess I should just wait for it to abate.
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