It has been two years and four days since we lost Rhys. The last month has been one of mixed emotions, confusion, lots of feelings, and lots of love, too. This year we both had our rough spot closer to his birthday, back in August. I am not sure what it was, but we both felt it. We did not do a cake this year, or anything special. I feel a little guilty about that. We didn't burn a plate on his day, either... but we remembered him in our own individual ways. It still hurts, it still sucks. It always will. We are functioning, for the most part, most of the time. We are raising beautiful children that lived, and remembering the beautiful baby that didn't. There is joy in memories, and such sadness, too; guilt about whether or not we are doing the right things to remember him, about whether or not we are loving the living children as much as we possibly can; fear that something could happen to them.
Adding to the jumble of emotions this year is the fact that I just learned I am pregnant again. This fills me with joy, but also with a heart stopping fear. I have known for nearly two and a half weeks, and today went to get my estimated delivery date. They did an ultrasound and saw a gestational sac, but could not find anything in it. Hopefully it's just too early. The doc said it looks like I am about six weeks along, and scheduled me to have another ultrasound on the 9th. He did not seem pessimistic, but was clear in telling me that there is no way to tell right now if I am developing a baby or if there is non-uterine pregnancy. I have already been having bad dreams... I can't help but dread the worst.
I want to say we've had bad luck, that life doesn't favor us because we lost a beautiful baby boy... but I also feel that isn't fair. We have two beautiful children, who bring us all the joy and frustration that beautiful children bring. We live with a huge and painful scar. All the hope and fear that comes with this pregnancy is not going to make a difference. Ultimately, I just have to wait.
I am waiting, breath bated, butterflies of hope in my belly and shadows of fear on my heart, I am waiting.
